Play-by-Post: Match 07 Round 05 SLAUGHTERHOUSE

Bunsen - Ghost Rider - Swedish Chef - Rizzo Rat - Dr. Zoidberg - Miss Piggy - Meathook - Gaucho

Round 1 Round 2 Round 3 Round 4 Round 6

Bunsen Honeydew leaps over a crazy Gaucho at his feet! Repositioning EVERYONE on the upper level, he manages quite the coup!
Zoidberg is BLOODIED!! Ghost Rider falls a great distance, plays dead, and slides ever closer to the GRINDER!
Ghost Rider is DYING!! The Swedish Chef slides a little towards his doom, but is still conscious, and proves it by murderlizing Ghost Rider!
Ghost Rider is GIBBED!! Rizzo's (still) chilling, prone on a conveyor. But not for long, as he rushes Zoidberg for the jelly beans!
Dr. Zoidberg also falls a great distance, right next to the master of bork himself. They nerd-fight briefly before Zoidberg scuttles away.
Miss Piggy starts her turn, miraculously suffering no ill effects, and proceeds to achieve a FLAWLESS VICTORY!!
Gaucho is DYING!! Meathook respawns at location 2, covered with jelly beans! Alas, Jelly-Bean-Chop is distracted by the Chef and whiffs!
Gaucho is GIBBED!! Gaucho respawns at location 3, not quite himself, but more than making up for it by slicing and dicing the rat!
Rizzo Rat is GIBBED!!


  1. "Hmmm, teleporter technology...this could be useful, if only I can...whoops!" A flash of light seems to surround the entire upper level as teleportation grids become wacky!

    Step onto teleporter 5 and teleport up to top level (if possible, grab a magic item before the teleport happens)

    Dimensional Scramble, unaugmented, centered one square towards the control panel from the teleporter I arrive on

    +6 vs Fort GR (14 + 2 prone), ZB (13), Me! (13)
    1d6 +5
    Teleport GR to the edge of one conveyor, ZB to the edge of another conveyor, and me to the control panel.

    If I have a minor remaining, I'll activate a nail gun and aim it at ZB, attempting to push him down the hole his conveyor leads to

    1. It's area attack, no +2 for being prone. And to you want to use human perseverance?

    2. That works then. And I thought I had already used it, but it seems I haven't since respawning, so yeah, Heroic Effort first time it can be used to hit

  2. ... uh ok.

    So you can't end your movement in a square with a non-helpless opponent, prone or not. However, in the interest of blood and mayhem, I've found a way! Bunsen will jump across, ostensibly ending his movement on the other side, and activating the 'port as a No Action while in the air.

    This provokes an OA from Gaucho - (2)+8-2 = 8 vs AC 18 - MISS!! (presumably from drinking hooch)

    Bunsen arrives at (2) and fires off Dimensional Scramble!
    Ghost Rider - (10)+6 = 16 vs Fort 14 - HIT!!
    Zoidberg - (9)+6 = 15 vs Fort 13 - HIT!!
    Bunsen - (20) - CRITICAL HIT!!

    Dealing (1)+5 = 6 damage to the WTFers, and max 11 damage to himself! Ghost Rider teleports to J-5, Zoidberg teleports to J-8, and ONLY BECAUSE of the not-aligned-to-the-grid nature of the platform can Bunsen use the unaugmented Dimensional Scramble to teleport to the platform.

    Nailgun against Zoidberg - (17)+8 = 25 vs AC 18 - HIT!! for (2)+7 = 9 damage, and a push - (20) - save and PRONE!!

    Ghost Rider is still hangin' on at 5 HP, Zoidberg is BLOODIED at 15 HP, and Bunsen has 15 HP.

    Ghost Rider starts his turn on the conveyor and slides 1 - save vs fall - (4) - FAIL!! for (3)+(8) = 11 falling damage, leaving him at -6 HP! Assuming he doesn't want the death save, Ghost Rider respawns at position (5) - ha! I saw that roll and just started giggling. Sorry, Gaucho.

    My last email from CS Ross said simply "Telefrag!" - I thought it was dadaist, but it was really precognitive!

  3. Taking a calculated risk, Ghost Rider feigns death.


    Totally meta-gaming here... Since I know the result of spawning now, GR will make a death save in hopes of keeping team WTF in the running.

  4. Hey, if that's what ya wanna do, ok fine. Death Save - (17) - and slide 1 towards the Grinder!

    And I mistyped a little there - my post got eaten by accidentally clicking a different "Reply" link, so I had to retype it. Zoidberg is bloodied at 13 HP, not 15. And the Athletics check I rolled for Bunsen never made the revised post: (5)+5 = 10, exactly enough to leap a 5-foot gap.

    The Swedish Chef also slides 1 at the start of his turn! Map update real soon!

    1. Standard operating procedure is: in the interests of keeping the pace of the game moving, dying characters are assumed to always use Respawn at the start of their turns, unless explicitly stated to the Dungeon Master beforehand.

      Of course, I am not the Dungeon Master here, so I leave judgment in his capable hands. Although, really, someone's gonna die soon either way.

    2. To be fair. This was in response to an action taken immediately prior to my turn and I even managed to respond within an hour of the DM resolving the action. I don't think that I could have been much quicker! If there were a player between myself and the person who dropped me, that would have been another story.

    3. I don't know about the rest of my team, but I rather get kills from our actions than dumb luck.

  5. As Ghost Rider dropped to 0 at the bottom of the drop, I use Dark Reaping.

  6. So the gist I'm getting is that both teams are satisfied with the decision, even if it's not what we should expect from the FAQ? Neat.

    Go for it, Chef!

  7. Bork bork! Now he's gonna make sure that Ghost Rider stays dead!

    move - crawl towards J6
    standard - grappling strike on GR

  8. Ok, so minor first, before moving away from the font, I'm guessing?

    Grappling Strike - (10)+7-2 (prone) +2 (CA from prone) = 17 vs AC 18-5 (helpless) = 13 - HIT!! for (6)+5 = 11 damage, bringing Ghost Rider down to -17 HP - GIBBED!!

    The Chef gains item (14) - Krater of Might! And he slides 1 square to I-6.

    Rizzo Rat saves vs fall - (11) and remains prone on the top level - yer up! (I don't have real computer access for a little bit, so feel free to imagine the changes to the map.)

  9. Posting for Stephen.

    Rizzo thinks Zoidburg attempted to eat the jelly beans on the control panel. He gets up and moves towards Zoidburg in order to save the jelly beans from the doctor’s monstrous appetite.

    Move: Stand
    Standard -> Move: move to H9, jumping over the teleporter in G9 (3 athletics, should have a running start as will have moved 3 spaces already).
    Minor: use Battlemind’s Demand to mark Zoidburg.
    Action point: Concussive Spike with Zoidburg in the blast. +8 vs AC (18), 1d8+5 damage.

  10. For the record, I wouldn't rule the 'port as obligatory. But Athletics checks are fun! Don't roll a 1! (2)+3 = 5 - Jelly Beans filled with hooch! But successful, with that running start.

    Zoidberg is marked!

    AP: Concussive Spike - (7)+8 = 15 vs AC 18 - MISS!! I totally think action points are cursed in this match. Sorry folks!

    At the start of Zoidberg's turn, he slides 1 - save vs fall - (6) - FAIL!! for (10)+(3) = 13 falling damage, reduced by Acrobatics: (14)+7 = 21/2 = 10, for a total of 3 falling damage. Zoidberg starts his turn on the bottom floor, at 12 HP!

  11. It got pointed out that I dumbed the math for Zoidberg's HP - he is at 10 HP, as per the map graphic.

  12. The fall from the conveyor belt cracked open Zoidberg's carapace, allowing the disgustingly squishy, pink lobster-ish creature to move around more nimbly. It seems that fate has dropped him right at the doorstep of the Swedish Chef, so the doc tries to take him out before he gets an idea to whip up a soft-shell crab dinner!

    Minor: Bladesong (+2 Atk and Def, +5 Dam)

    Standard: MBA against the Chef.
    If I'm not mistaken, that's +6 +2(CA vs prone) -2(for being prone) +2(Bladesong) -2(marked) vs AC. Check my math. 1d8(Brutal 1) +4 damage. On a hit, use Iron Soul Flurry of Blows (+5 damage) and/or Takedown Strike (+4 Damage) as needed to drop him below 0 HP.
    Also on a hit, use Unseen Hand to ping the pig for 2 Force damage and slide her (hopefully) into the grinder via square G4

    Move: Crawl to K10.

  13. The crab strikes back!

    MBA - (9)+6 = 15 vs AC 18 - MISS!!

    And - you crawl to K-10? Okee dokee, as per email, Chef uses Grappling Strike as his OA - (3)+7+2-2 = 10 vs AC 18 - also MISS!!

    Man, those are some cold dice! Zoidberg crawls to K-10 - near, but not on, the Disc.

  14. Miraculously, nothing bad happens to Miss Piggy as she starts her turn.

  15. Miss Piggy eats a pie and contemplates relativity for a moment. She then remembers she’s not a geek and doesn’t know anything about relativity.

    “Hey Gaucho, I was looking forward to a panther steak sandwich. Mmmmmmmmmm, Ahhhhhhhhh.”

    Miss Piggy appears to fly towards Gaucho. She does a karate chop to his stomach, forcing him to double over. Then she kicks him in the face.

    Free: Wish everyone a happy Pi Day and wish Albert Einstein a happy birthday. Be irrational, but well rounded today.
    Minor: Active Hellfire Touch (+5 necrotic and fire damage to next hit this turn and slide that person 5 square. I take 5 necrotic and fire damage if I don’t hit anyone).
    Move: Move to D2.
    Standard: Attack Gaucho with Crane’s Wings. +5 +2 (CA) vs. Ref (14). 1d10 + 5 +2 (Flurry of Blows) normal damage + 1d8 + 3 necrotic damage (Dark Reaping) + 5 necrotic and fire damage (Hellfire Touch) for a total of 1d10 + 1d8 + 15. Slide Gaucho to D3 with Flurry of Blows, push to E4 with Crane’s Wings, and then slide to F4 -> over the edge with Hellfire Touch.

    1. Man, hellfire touch is so baller on this map.

  16. Yep, Hellfire Touch is sweet. Sweet like pi. Free forced movement any class can pick up? Not bad.

    Crane's Wings - (8)+7 = 15 vs Fort 14 - HIT!! (it is Fort, I checked) for (10)+(5)+15 = 30 damage of various types!! Dropping Gaucho to -3 HP!

    Not only that, but he's slid, pushed, and slid again. Does he save? (11) - evidently so! Gaucho is dying in square F-4!

    Meathook appears at position (2)!

  17. Meathook does indeed reappear with a side of jelly beans, and heads straight for Rizzo. The jelly beans rain down upon him, drowning the rat in precious irony!


    Move to I9,
    avalanche strike vs Rizzo, +8 vs AC, 3d10+8. Use heroic effort if need be.

    If I drop Rizzo, use swift charge to jump and bull rush Bunsen if that is allowed. +5 vs fort 13. +1 for charging? +9 athletics. I have speed 8 now, from the rage. Just in case that helps. Use heroic effort here to charge Bunsen if not used on Rizzo.

    1. There's still a -2 to attack rolls for being marked by the Swedish Chef (though Rizzo's death by an avalanche of jelly beans would be amusing).

  18. Sorry, meant shift to I8, I can shift two sq b/c of the swift panther rage.

  19. (6)+8-2 (Chef's Lasting Threat) = 12 vs AC 19 - MISS!!

    I might make a map at some point where you never miss. DEATH and MAYHEM FOREVER!!

    I haven't received a communique from Hap saying otherwise, so Gaucho self-GIBS and respawns at position (3) - BRING IT ON!!

  20. If Hap misses this next 24-hour deadline, that will make three Delays. I've talked it over with the Dungeon Master and he is allowing me to kick Hap's sorry ass out and me jump in with his char sheet. Post'em if you got'em! Looks like we got about an hour and a half to go.

  21. Ok, Ross. Show us a strong entry into the final round!

  22. I've written a lot of this with various, long-winded contingencies; but the gist of it is to beat the shit out of Rizzo Rat, and then if I have the chance, teleport down to tackle The Pig.

    Gaucho wakes up from a daze, a lit cigarrette in between his fingers. "I don't remebre this. When did I start smoking?"
    If you wake up at a different time in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?

    I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that wouldn't screw to save its species. I wanted to open the dump valves on oil tankers and smother all the French beaches I'd never see. I wanted to breathe smoke.

    Enter the Aspect of the Dancing Serpent.
    Effect: Free action to shift 1 square at the end of my turn, +1 to basic attack roll and damage roll against enemies that have none of its allies adjacent.

    I felt like destroying something beautiful.

    Melee Basic Attack with the Carrikal against Rizzo Rat
    Attack: +9 vs. AC 19
    Hit: Use Power Strike and Dual Weapon Attack to deal 2d8+5 damage and make a secondary attack with my off-hand weapon (shortsword) against Rizzo Rat.
    Miss within 4: Use Heroic Effort to make it a hit.

    Secondary Attack: +10 (+2 for combat advantage due to prone) vs. AC 19
    Hit: 1d6+5 damage

    If Rizzo Rat is conscious and I still have Heroic Effort;
    Miss within 4: Use Heroic Effort to make it a hit.

    If Rizzo Rat is still conscious at this point, use an ACTION POINT to repeat the attack, substituting Power Strike for Takedown Strike (see below). Then shift 1 square safely away from Rizzo Rat to end turn.

    Assuming Rizzo Rat drops ...

    Step back and forth to teleport to a random square on the Lower Level.

    I am Jack's raging bile duct.

    Melee Basic Attack with the Carrikal against Miss Piggy
    Attack: +9 vs. AC 19
    Hit: Use Takedown Striketo deal 1d8+10 damage and knock Miss Piggy prone.
    Miss within 4: Use Heroic Effort to make it a hit, if able.

    End turn, free action shift 1 square to B-2.


    Charge with the Carrikal against Miss Piggy
    Attack: +10 (+1 stance, +1 charge) vs. AC 19
    Hit: Use Takedown Striketo deal 1d8+10 damage and knock Miss Piggy prone.
    Miss within 4: Use Heroic Effort to make it a hit, if able.

    End turn, free action shift 1 square to D-1.

    End turn, free action shift 1 square away from the Meat Grinder (either square B-11 or K-11).

  23. Whoops, Aspect of the Dancing Serpent adds another +1 to all the damage rolls listed. ALL OF THE ROLLS.

  24. Wowee! Step-by-step here!

    MBA vs Rizzo - (15)+9 = 24 vs AC 19 - HIT!! for (6)+(2)+6 = 14 damage!

    At this point, Rizzo is at 2 HP, and... not prone. I sense multiple drafts of your post.

    Dual Weapon Attack vs Rizzo - (4)+10 = 14 vs AC 19 - MISS!! (by more than 4, alas)

    AP: MBA vs Rizzo - (18)+9 = 27 vs AC 19 - HIT!! for (8)+11 = 18 damage (Ghetto-crit!) bringing Rizzo to -17 HP, GIBBING HIM!! (go stance!)

    Gaucho shifts to F-9, just out of burst-1 range from Meathook!

    Join us for the final round, when anything can happen, and the steaks are high! I mean stakes! Probably...