Play-by-Post: Match 07 Round 02 SLAUGHTERHOUSE

Bunsen - Ghost Rider - Swedish Chef - Rizzo Rat - Dr. Zoidberg - Miss Piggy - Meathook - Gaucho

Round 1 Round 3 Round 4

Bunsen Honeydew is up next, and ready for anything! And anything he pulls off - striking hard at both nearby WTF members!
Meathook is UNCONSCIOUS and DYING!!
Doctor Zoidberg is UNCONSCIOUS and DYING!!
Bunsen is on a KILLING SPREE!!
Ghost Rider appears, with his killer so close he can taste the aebelskivers! And EXACTS GLORIOUS REVENGE!! Holy crap!
The Swedish Chef is GIBBED!!
You have LOST THE LEAD!!
Doctor Zoidberg is GIBBED!!
Miss Piggy is GIBBED!!
Meathook is GIBBED!!
The Swedish Chef is prepped and hot for revenge, a dish best served with lutafisk! Alas, the lich's chains keep him put, as the Chef falls to his death!
The Swedish Chef is GIBBED!!
You have LOST THE LEAD!!
Rizzo Rat finds himself on the upper level with only a prone Ghost Rider to keep him company. And why not fire a Concussive Spike at your company? Blam!
Doctor Zoidberg's appearance on the lower level is just a preface to going NOVA on Bunsen's yellow-green ASS!
Bunsen Honeydew is BLOODIED!! Miss Piggy shimmers into a Hellfire-shrouded existence at position 7, and the sow soars swiftly at Gaucho, who nimbly ducks, backfiring the Hellfire on the felt pig herself!
Enraged, Meathook respawns auspiciously at position 5, but auspiciously enough, for he WHIFFS at Miss Piggy, leaving himself vulnerable!
Gaucho whirls his blades menacingly at Miss Piggy!
Next round begins here and now!


  1. The frozen form begins to shake before the ice all shatters away into tiny pieces. “It has worked! I have made it to the future!”

    A familiar figure catches his attention. “My dear Miss Piggy! A delight to see you! Here, have this trinket from my adventure in the past. I think it suits you rather nicely.”

    The doctor turns to the others. “Please now, a great scientist like myself needs a little elbow room to work in.” Doctor Honeydew carefully steps back from the group and pulls out his trusty remote.

    “First, I shall reveal a revolutionary technique to tenderize the pork chop.” With a press of the button, the large pipe reemerges over Meathook, and another press dumps a bag of magnets, labeled as weighing one ton, onto the living slab of meat.

    “Now, my latest experiment involves spontaneous combustion. Are you ready Beaker?” The tall Muppet appears by his side and, without waiting for a response, Bunsen presses the remote’s button one more time. Beaker instantly becomes engulfed in flames and runs straight for the two strange creatures in front of him, letting out a loud series of 'meeps' the entire time, in an attempt to set others on fire and cause them to stop, drop, and roll into the grinder.

    Finally, the good doctor turns to the far off figure and yells. “Don’t worry, I’ll be with you next.” The words ‘For Science’ appear as large floating letters in front of Gaucho’s eyes for a moment before fading away.

    FYI, my orb takes the form of the mystical remote with a single multipurpose button on it

    Free action: Hand Mystic Urn to Miss Piggy

    Move: Shift to J1

    Minor: Activate Hellfire Touch
    Deal 5 fire/necrotic damage on next hit and slide 6 squares
    Take 5 fire/necrotic damage if no attacks hit

    Standard: Hand of Caution on Meathook
    +6 vs Reflex 12
    2d8 +5 force and +5 fire/necrotic and slide into the grinder along row 5
    Half of (2d8 +5 force) on miss
    Until EoE or I end my turn next to Meathook, I can push him 2 squares with a minor action if he is within 5 squares of me

    Action Point: Dimensional Scramble
    If Meathook was missed, then Augment 2 and centered on J4
    Otherwise no Augment and centered on I4
    +6 vs Fort 18 (target MH first if not already gibbed), 15 (ZB)
    Augment 2: 2d6 +5 damage +5 fire/necrotic to the first one hit (no idea what order the shift and teleport play out in, but all go towards the grinder)
    No Augment: 1d6 +5 damage
    Either way, a hit causes them to teleport to H5 and H6 on A2 or G6 and G7 on no augment

    Free action: Taunt Gaucho with Send Thoughts

    1. Oh yeah, and Heroic Effort +4 to attack first time it can be used to make a miss hit. Sorry, first FTDM round of actually getting to attack someone, almost forgot that.

  2. That's uh, quite the turn! Sorry for the delay - had an away-from-the-desk day yesterday.

    I can't find anything in E1M1's rules that limit item transfer, so Miss Piggy now has the Urn! Bunsen shifts to J-1 and Hellfires up.

    Hand of Caution! Rolling (16)+6 = 22 vs Reflex 12 (+2 prone) = 14 - HIT!! for (6)+(4)+5+5 = 20 damage! The unconscious Meathook slides down the conveyor and (10) saves against the fall!

    Dimensional Scramble! Unaugmented and affecting both Meathook and Zoidberg:
    (17)+6+2 (CA) = 25 vs Fort 18-5 (unconscious) = 13 - HIT!!
    (12)+6 = 18 vs Fort 15 - HIT!!
    for (5)+5 = 10 damage, leaving Meathook at -11 HP and Zoidberg at -9 HP!

    KILLING SPREE!! Dr. Bunsen Honeydew gains an Action Point.

    BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! The Surf and Turf gets teleported! To hindering terrain, so (13) and (13) to save - no movement! Well, they didn't get gibbed, but neither are in a good position...

    Ghost Rider is up at spawn point (4)! Technically, he still has full defense, should he provoke on his turn.

  3. The Ghost Rider focuses his eyeless stare upon the Swedish Chef and shrieks. The spirit's chains entangle themselves around the muppet and attempt to drag it unto the hungry blades below.

    Lightning Lure +5 vs the Chef's Fortitude (19). If I hit, 1d6+5 dmg and I pull the muppet into row 3 after which he falls to his death.

    If I hit, Telekinetic Leap to the control panel and activate the nailgun, targeting everyone on the lower level except Gaucho (+8 vs AC).

    If I miss, TK Leap to C9 and grab an item from the font.

    If I trigger a killing spree and a muppet still has positive HP, bur the AP and fire the nailgun at it again.

    If I trigger a killing spree and there are no muppets with positive HP, burn the AP for Total Defense instead.

  4. Revenge of the Chained Lich! (19)+5 = 24 vs Fort 19 - HIT!! for (5)+5-5 (resist) = 5 damage... But does the damage matter? Save vs fall - (4) - NO!! A strangled cry of "Fållïng, bork bork!!" permeates the Slaughterhouse. The Swedish Chef is GIBBED!!

    Leaping across the void, Ghost Rider activates the nailgun:
    (2)+8 = 10 vs Bunsen's AC 17 - MISS!!
    (11)+8+2 (CA) = 21 vs Zoidberg's AC 20-5 (unconscious) = 15 - HIT!!
    (16)+8+2 (CA) = 26 vs Miss Piggy's AC 19 - HIT!!
    (19)+8+2 (CA) = 29 vs Meathook's AC 14-5 (unconscious) = 9 - HIT!!
    for (3)+7 = 10 damage!

    Oh, look at that. I don't even have to worry about the origin square, since all three of those targets WERE COMPLETELY GIBBED!!

    Ghost Rider has gibbed half the board, but ironically gains no Killing Spree. Le sigh.

    The Swedish Chef experiences an intense moment of deja vu, as he spawns at (3)!

  5. I can't help but cry thinking of all the candy corn you're getting.

    That shit is gross.

  6. There oughtta be an achievement or something...

  7. Per email: Wed, Feb 22, 2012 at 11:19 PM
    For some reason I can't post the at blog itself. Haha, so here we go. I don't think there are any rules against doing almost the same thing, as long as it is offensive, right?

    "Bork bork! Not again?" he says as he looks at the burning skull of a man. Screaming, "Stay dead! Bork!" He leaps and tries to do the exact same thing.

    Athletics to jump is 1d20+13, roll twice. Incorporating a standard action to attempt a bull rush (1d20+5).

    If hit, push Ghost Rider down to his death, and as a minor action, activate the nail gun in A4 at the lower floor, hoping to mince Gaucho.

    If anyone's having trouble doing this, try using different credentials (Google, Wordpress, OpenID, etc) or different browsers (Firefox, Opera, Chrome). Some combination's bound to work!

    Wow, I was kinda kidding about the deja vu - let's see how this plays out!
    Athletics to jump - (18) or (11)+14 (the sheet says +14) = 32 (foregone conclusion...)
    Charge to Bull Rush - (11)+6 (+1 from charge) = 17 vs Fort 14 - HIT!!
    Save vs fall - (10) - SAVE!! Ghost Rider is prone, and the Swedish Chef is GIBBED IN THE GRINDER!!

    Better luck next time, Chef! Rizzo's up on (4) - you wanna try too? Come one, come all, try your luck knocking the flaming skull man off his perch!

    Map update to come... at some point soon. Unable right this minute.

  8. i haven't missed the deadline right?

  9. Nope! Just get it in <24 hrs after my previous post - I'll have an accurate map up by 6am Pacific, but if you've got a turn to post, you don't have to wait for me.

    1. i was checking the time difference, im looking at 12:16 am here lol

  10. at-will concussive spike Ghost Rider +8 vs AC 1d8+5, and push him into the grinder

    if i miss: shift 1 off the teleport square to d8

    if i hit: jump to the controls and use the conveyer belt?

  11. Concussive Spike? Okee dokee!

    (12)+8 = 20 vs AC 18 - HIT!! for (3)+5 = 10 damage, leaving Ghost Rider at 19 HP!

    The air around Ghost Rider whooshes dramatically, pushing everyone else in the blast away. Ya hit, but he's still there. Shifting Rizzo to D-8.

    I swear, I'm rolling spawn rolls every turn! (8) is where you'll find Zoidberg on the next map refresh!

    1. Not that it matters this time, but didn't a have an AC bonus against the ranged attack for being prone?

    2. You'd be right, but turns out Concussive Spike is a Blast 3. No bonus, no penalty.

  12. Doctor Zoidberg dusts himself off and surveys the battlefield. He doesn’t know which to be angrier about: the fact that he was killed by his own teammate, or the fact that Ghost Rider didn’t leave many targets upon which to exact his revenge.
    Spying a rival doctor across the way, the lobster raises his mouth-tendrils, like the gaping maw of cthulhu, and looses a battle cry. Purging his ink bladder (eww), he vanishes from sight. Upon reappearing, he scuttles back into battle, brandishing a menacing medical probe manically! (Huzzah for alliteration!)


    Minor: Activate Bladesong - +2 Attack and defenses, +5 damage (again)
    Move: Fey Step racial power – teleport 5 squares closer to Bunsen (doesn’t really matter where)
    Standard: Charge Bunsen, ending up in K2
    +9 (+6 base +1 charge +2 Bladesong) vs AC
    1d8 (brutal 1) + 9 (+4 base +5 Bladesong) Damage
    On a hit, I’ll use Takedown Strike to deal another 4 damage and knock him prone.
    If he’s still conscious, I’ll use Iron Soul Flurry of Blows to deal another 5 damage and keep him from shifting until start of my next turn
    And just to be safe, I’ll finish with Unseen hand to ping him for 2 Force damage and slide him 3 squares down to 4G

    And if I miss this time, then I’ll know the dice really do hate me, and I’ll contemplate the merits of rage-quitting
    On a hit or a miss, I’ll wrap up my turn by staring longingly at the 2 magic items mere inches away from me.

  13. hmm, don't know how to make that appear as a click-able link, instead of just text.

  14. Zworn! Bamf! Woosh!

    Charge - (10)+9 = 19 vs AC 17 - HIT!! for (4)+9+4+5+2 = 24 damage, leaving Bunsen at 2 HP!! And bloodied, and prone, and unshiftable, and in 4-G!

    Miss Piggy, you're up at (7)!

  15. Piggy bites her upper lip makes an angry “mmmm.”

    “Try to make bacon out of me! Ahhhhhhh.”

    She quickly moves next to Gaucho and attacks with a flurry of karate chops and kicks.

    Minor: Hellfire touch (+5 fire & necrotic damage and slide 5 squares to the first person I hit, or 5 fire & necrotic if I don’t hit anyone).

    Move: B9, A8 (-> B8), A7 (-> B7), A6 (->B6), A5 (->B5), A4

    Standard: Crane’s Wings attack on Gaucho +5 vs. Fort 14 damage 1d10 + 5, +2 (flurry of blows), +5 fire & necrotic (Hellfire touch).

    If I hit, I shift Gaucho to B4 from flurry of blows, push to C4 from Crane’s Wings, then slide D5, D6, E6 (over the edge) from hellfire touch

    If I miss I take 5 damage.

  16. Miss Piggy spins through the air on her Crane's Wings, and - (2)+5 = 7 vs Fort 14 - Gaucho DODGES!! (somewhere, East Coasters are drinking hooch?)

    At the end of her turn, Miss Piggy takes 5 fire/necrotic damage, leaving her at 23 HP!

    Meathook appears, enraged like a panther, at position (5).

  17. Piggy trips on the conveyer, barely catches herself before she hits the floor, looks sheepish, and says, "I meant to do that"

  18. The newly butchered slab of panther steak reappears, and taps its meathook on the magic item font next to the teleport square.

    Minor action, roll the magic item font! Will post rest of actions after I know what I got.

  19. Belay that last comment, I see that the magic item font is at the end of my turn (oh well). So I will not bother with it.

    The Slab of panther steak, with its formidable scent, stings Ms Piggy's nostrils as it flaps towards her. She is overtaken by the strong musk!


    Shift to B3 (move action)
    Use Avalanche strike on Ms Piggy, +8 vs AC 19, 3d10+8 damage on a hit.

    Use heroic strike if need be to hit.

    If I drop her below 0 hp, use swift charge to charge Busen, +11 vs AC (8+1 charge +2 CA from prone) 1d10+6 damage. If heroic effort not used, use here if need be.

    I understand that would give me a killing spree, ya? As I would end my turn in F4, I won't spend the AP if I earn it.

  20. Sneaky, sneaky - you didn't mention the +4 to attacks against you after making that attack. Y'all need to remind me of these things, folks - I'm not gonna audit your sheets every turn. I only did it this time to double-check that damage on Avalanche.

    So let's see... No minor action to take an item, eh? Avalanche Strike then! (3)+8 = 11 vs AC 19 - MISS!! Too bad - I was kinda itching to see you end your turn at the dramatic end of the conveyor.

  21. My bad on forgetting to add the downside to avalanche, forgot about it as I was thining of contingencies.

  22. Gaucho tags out his bow, drawing dual weapons ready to attack is porcine quarry. He swings both the Carrikal and his short sword with the lust for bacon in his eye.

    Game terms
    Move action - Switch Weapons
    Dual Weapon attack - (+9 vs AC) 1d8+5 Damage (+7 vs AC) 1d6+5 damage
    Power attack - Target takes an extra 1w damage on hit

  23. Oh and should I hit... Takedown strike to put the pig at my heels!!!

  24. Gaucho strikes hard at Miss Piggy with a basic attack - (5)+9 = 14 vs AC 19 - MISS!! Not even with Heroic Effort - damn you, dice, this game is about bloodshed!

    If Gaucho decides to shift like a fox, that's great, it'll get put in the next round's map. Oh, but while we're at it, let's see if Bunsen lives or dies! Starting his turn falling off the conveyor? (16) - Prone!! (which he was already?) in G-4. Think about your turn, I'll get the map and post up when I can (tonight sometime?).